(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆