I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
#Caturday
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds