I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet