If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.