Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
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My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Festive toon…
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
me irl
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Tough love is true love
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations