Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
only 11 steps left
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.