The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
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I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
relationship goals
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
At least my masseuse has my back.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
My favorite female superhero
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food