[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.