Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
is frankincense just very honest incense?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running