When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
ok like just. call me at this point
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.