Erm I’m gonna say no
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[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
when revenge coincides with naptime
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
This might be me.
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