Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
You Might Also Like
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.