Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids