Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
The pasta is now
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.