Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
You Might Also Like
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet