[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
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Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
paddle faster i hear baby shark
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.