[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
You Might Also Like
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Who.
Did.
This?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.