The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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I have a black belt in leather
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Same post same
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.