In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.