*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
#parenting
I missed you with all my darts
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.