[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
*puts my mental health in rice
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
it must be school picture day