I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words