godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min