I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
You Might Also Like
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Breaking news:
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
That’s no pocket rocket.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.