Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!