what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.