Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
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[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
This could be us… but you playing
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”