Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.