PER MY LAST EMAIL
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.