[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
live long and prosper!
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock