One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
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[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
we’re gonna need another temp
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.