Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
You Might Also Like
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home