Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Chicken bread
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Just had my nails done!
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish