AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Hard not to take this personally
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce