Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
You Might Also Like
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.