Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
One of the best
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
don’t we all
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy