no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
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WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Sing it!
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*