Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
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Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.