If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
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People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*launders Kohls cash*
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine