I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Easy enough.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you