Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan