*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
The glory of fall.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
*pokes sex life with a stick
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly