Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
You Might Also Like
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????