me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
When can I start eating bats again.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin