[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
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[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
i hope my email finds you on fire
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.