Midwest trash talk
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getting corrected
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I am HOWLING at this
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working