Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.