If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
You Might Also Like
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Ken is short for chicken
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.