Fabio hasn’t aged a day
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If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda