My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.